When someone breaks your heart, you are many times left to deal with the emotional baggage. You can find yourself busy living the life in front of you and then a thought invades your mind and pummels you to the ground. Though you may have forgiven them, the ability to forget about it is twice as hard.
For myself, I have come to realize that I am in that mode. I cannot explain to anyone how I feel. I get angry and sad all at the same time. How does it feel knowing that the last several years of your life was a lie? How do you feel knowing that the person you share your space with, your secrets and your tears with has decided that they dont want to share time and love with you any longer? I have had people in my life tell me that Im better off. She isnt worth it and that I ought to be glad. Tell that to my heart. Yet it was my heart that she preyed upon.
When I start to think about how will I recover I always try to remember that I did nothing wrong. The mistakes I made were covered because I atoned for them. I did everything I could. I pleaded with her, I cried to God and opened myself up to the point where I was taken advantage of. I always thought that If I did what I could, then I would get back what I lost. Truthfully, I am not so sure. Have someone ever burned a bridge with you standing on it? It is what it is.
Now. I am facing the future without her. I know I can never kiss her again. I know I can never make love to her again. I know I can never be her friend. I know plenty of people who are friends with their ex wives and ex husbands. Yet, I cannot concieve such being the case with us. While I did speak to her recently I realize that in my heart of hearts. There could never be anything remotely similarly to a friendship. She is my enemy. While I know she is basking in the newness of a marriage and all the sweetness that it brings, I know that in the back of her of mind. I shall be there as an after thought. The day will come when she will look back and regret what she did. No lie can stand. Her new life is a mirage. Soon, the curtain will be pulled back and it will all stand naked for her and those around her to see. The seed that she sowed will spring up and its fruits will be bitterly. As for me, it is no consolation. God will mete out his justice in his own time and way. It is what it is.
While time goes by, I am convinced that love will visit my life. I am persuaded that love will touch me again. I will love just as hard and even harder. Yet that is many days from now. I will continue to serve my God at my church. I will continue to pursue my dreams. A friend of mine told me that she will come back to me. Yet, I know that will be not so, for two reasons. One. She knows what she did. Two. She knows what she did again. While I will never say never. I just assume that that miracle will be in God's Hands. God must attend to my wounds and He must restore my faith in love. It will take a lot of time. I dont have time to think about what could have been and I must focus on what will be. This is my only hope for the mending of my broken heart.
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