Random Thoughts

Enjoyed dinner with my pooh bear. Fries was too salty, tragic. Doctor's visit was good, I hope things are even better in six months. I felt old looking at these youngsters today in the mall. Something is missing. I don't know what it is. I couldn't help but think about that situation today. LORD, please help my mama to be happy. I'm not so sure about this event. I will go reluctantly, maybe there will be a blessing.

Becoming Bored... A Cautionary Tale

Boredom. It happens all the time. Well, perhaps not all the time but you can find yourself right there. In this season, I find myself here. Uninspired. Unmotivated. Basically too many doggone uns in my life at this time. I thought by now I would be knee deep in the writing of my next book. Yet, I barely even care. First it was writers block, then it was no time. Yet, I gotta be honest with myself. I am bored. Lets be a little honest. Work. Is very boring. I am not challenged and there are day where I just want to walk away. I am not using my degrees and finding a position in my company isn't going to happen it seems. I do my work and at times I have fun at it. Yet, this isn't what I want to do for the next 10 years of my life. I am contemplating going into teaching. Truth is, I do not know if I really want to do that. Yes, I have a gift for it. However, given what teachers are faced with on a day to day basis, its not exactly paying a truck load of money. Teachers are grossly underpaid. Which is why I have stayed on my job because I will basically make the same money. Better to deal with the devil you know, versus the one you do not. Church life. I love church. I love ministry. However, I would be lying to say I am not bored. Perhaps there is some sin in my life that is making me feel empty. I don't know. Either way. I am. I don't like it and I am sure I am not the only person who has ever been here. I hold a servant's position but I am feeling this way. I still love God, I still love the work. Perhaps, I should pray more. LORD deliver me from this boredom. I don't like this feeling. I gotta fight through it. There is no other way. I could find some new hobbies or something but I feel I will only become bored with that later on. I do know that at the end of the day, I am not hopeless. One of my all time favorite HBO series called "The Wire" featured a scene where a cop who went undercover was shot. As she recovered in the hospital, a couple of detectives came to see her to see if she could identify her assailants. She identified one of the men that shot her but refused to identify another one though one of the detectives clearly was directing her to identify him. She quietly remarked to him these words, "Some things just gotta play hard". In this situation, I just have play it hard through it. Truthfully, that is all of the excitement I can take at this moment anyway. In a strange way, maybe God is doing me a favor. Hmmm...

Caged Masculinity Archive post 11/17/2009

I am trapped in a cage of masculinity. Wrapped in chains appearing in invisibility. Tortured by the thought that I have be strong. Not realizing what I thought was strong, was so wrong. To be hugged by my father was not commonplace. Yet, even today there's barely a trace. Knowing that he was not hugged himself. Caused him to transfer this burden of wealth. "Fix your face, boy dont cry" All the time my spirit mourns silently asking "Why?" I have never understood the opposite sex. It caused me to have toxic relationships and expect. Love dont love nobody and who's gonna love me. If love dont mean nothing and especially if I am not free. The best things in life are free. Then why do I suffer cost continually? With God's help I have been able to heal. Take the emotions and wisdom I hold and feel, with the right mindset and perspective. To have balance is my one objective. Be strong, but not be ashamed of my tears. Be faithful, though i have failed over the years. Be sensitive when I want to be cold. Be vibrant in all things and love bold. I just want to be a man, and not be defined by things. Especially my masculinity and all the tradition it brings. Richard J Wright (2009)