Confidence or Conceited

I have been told by many people that I am conceited. I don't see it. Im not saying it isnt true though. Now, let me explain. I am the type of cat that likes clothes. I like to dress nice. I like to smell good. I own several bottles of cologne and have lots of clothes. My ex-wife hated that I had more clothes than she did. In the relationship. I was the one who had to have a walk in closet. I have a closet full of shoes. It might seem like Im bragging but Im not. I just thought I would share that because truthfully, I remember too well the days when I was struggling. When I started attending church I had one shirt and two pairs of pants. A nice sister at my church brought me some church shoes. I drove a car that was dented up in the front pretty bad. I worked an assortment of part time jobs for over two years. I finally landed a gig in security making 7.50 an hour. I was also paying child support back then. So trust me, there was nothing to brag about. Everything in my house from the couch to the bed was a hand me down. My pastor gave me an assortment of ties to wear. He even gave me money when he thought I might need it. Yes from 2001 to 2003 was very challenging.

Fast forward to now.Im an ordained Deacon and teacher at my church. I work in several ministries at my church. In six years I got two degrees. I wrote and published a book and currently publishing a new book. I have a nice townhome and a nice whip. Nothing expensive or extravagant. Truth is, I work my tail off. Many of my days are 12 plus hours. I wake up at 5:45am, take my daughter to mom's house at 6:15am and make it work at 7:00am. I usually get home after I pick up my daughter about 7:30pm on most days. I cook sometimes but many times we eat out because Im too tired to cook. So basically, its like the song by Mary Mary, its the God in me.

Now lets gets to this issue of being conceited. People sometimes think that I think I am all that. In fact a sister texted me that statement. "you think you all that". Truthfully, I dont. I have a plethora of issues. Most folks dont see that. They dont see the struggle. Truthfully, they are not supposed to. God is good to me. What can I say. I am not special to anyone but I am His child. Much is given, much is required. People dont see that I gave a young brother at my church a pair barely worn platinum gray Jordans. Why? I have a lot of shoes and I cant wear them all. So why not bless a young high school kid? People dont see that I talk and counsel with people going through broken marriages and jacked up relationships. People dont see that I cry as much as I laugh. People dont see that as a man I struggle to raise a 12 year daughter who is sad about missing her brother who died when he was two years old. She hasnt seen her mother in several years and when she does call, she is usually high or drunk. People dont see that my only brother doesnt like me. He missed both my graduations for no apparent reason. When I see him and speak half the time, he acts as if he dont want to be bothered. People dont see that I am still hurting over my own broken marriage. But hey, people think Im conceited or worse arrogant.

Being a deacon at my church. A lot of eyes are on me. What am I supposed to do. Ignore em? Women flirt and sometimes I flirt back. Yet, I never get so high to the point that I dont know where I come from. I grew in Southpark. One of the roughest neighborhoods on the Southside. I make a point to represent my hood because I know many of my brothers are still there. Struggling with alcohol, drug addiction and emotional abuse. I could still be there. Its just God's favor and blessing in my life. When I flip in my car with the top down, I think about the struggle. I think about how fortunate I am. Yeah, I have a swagger but I had that before they called it that. We used to call it confidence. I am confident that I can have success because I know failure all to well.

So what is it? Maybe its my sense of humor. I can be a bit sarcastic with folks. That is my fault. I will own that. Maybe its my charm. I tell you what, there is nothing like turning heads. I aint that cute but I do know how to turn a head or two. I am a big guy. I gotta have charisma and intellegence. Its what works for me. I just make a point to make it work. I am intelligent. I read, I ponder. I write. Sometimes I wish I had other gifts but I only have what the good LORD has given me. One thing is for certain and I dont like it. People tend to get a little jealous. They will get jealous over small stuff. It took sometime to realize that haters really do exist. I told a sister once that I dont cheat myself, I always treat myself. She thought I was (like we used to say, high cappin'). Not at all. I work my tail off and I am going to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Its like my homie Toni Hickman says "so sorry you not on my level, there's nothing I can do to make you feel better". Truthfully, people like to see people fail. Its a crying shame. If I was broke, jacked up and just a hot mess, then people would be like. "aw that's shame, it will be alright" but no. They want to see you fall like a ton of bricks. Lord knows, I fall quite a bit. Yet, I'm not going to give these haters the satisfaction of seeing me fall and fail. I said it once and I'll say it again. I rather fail forward than to succeed going backwards. So, they can call me whatever. I answer only to Richard.