"Baby, what daddy is trying to do is..."

For the past six years of my life. I have been in college. I have worked until I could not see the words on the computer screen clearly. I have called in sick at work to complete assignments. I have missed bible study and prayer meetings to attend classes that were scheduled on those respective nights. When I was married, I missed time with being with my wife and children. In short, the past six years have been crazy and ridiculous.

My mother used to remind me of something I told her years ago before I went back to school. She used to say to me, "remember you said you was going back to school". Which I would reply, "yeah mama, I am gonna go back". One of her stinging phrases to me was after my child was born and started school. "Make sure you beat your child graduating". It was a sobering reality that I had a daughter who I very much adored. I wanted to ultimately set an example.

So in September 2002, I enrolled in college. I began the process working as a security officer. I remember being this person who didn't have any skills or any title. In class that very first night, we were asked to introduce ourselves. While a vast majority of my classmates were managers at their jobs, I was just a security officer with a dream. I didn't know at one point about intimidation. It was something that my ex-wife talked about once being in school. Yet, here I was very much so. Yet, I knew I belonged. A year later, I dropped out because I did get a better job but the situation haunted me. I had to finish what I started.

In 2007, I graduated with my bachelor's degree. It was a happy occasion. My family and my church family celebrated my accomplishments. Sadly, it the same year I got divorced. I remember waiting in line to hear my name called thinking about all the pain and sacrifice it took to get to this point and I didn't have my cheerleader with me. After six months, I decided to continue my education. I had a bachelor's degree, the same as my father but I wanted to go farther for him, my daughter and my self. So I did. In 2009 on September 12th, I graduated with my masters. This degree was also bitter sweet. It was very hard and a lot work involved. It became very dark many days at the end. Yet, I survived. To God be the glory.

I had always been ashamed of my past. I was a smart kid who was picked on and bullied in school. I never got the girl. I never got any appreciation or respect. When I graduated from high school, I try going to college but I never got anywhere because I could not focus. I wound up being a depressed alcoholic and pot smoker. Yet, with God's grace He kept me. I made a whole lot of mistakes. Some of which I am still paying for. I never felt good enough. Do you know what its like to feel not good enough? Always second place. Nobody remembers second place. I remember not wanting to attend high school reunions because I was ashamed of where I was as a man. I had the skills inside but I wouldn't let them shine.

Recently, a pastor visiting my church laid his hands on me. He began to tell me that my past was over. That by the end of the summer, I would see God bring me out from it. For the first time in a long time, I feel good enough. I think about love despite the hurt I felt. This past summer has been horrible. I was depressed many days. But, God. He helped me. I think about the future. When my daughter looks at me. She can say my daddy got two degrees. She can think that education still means something. I have set the bar high. Truthfully, it should be higher. Yet, it is high enough for her to see but low enough for her to believe that she can do it too.

At the graduation, I saw some of my fellow classmates. People who I worked with. Who saw me cry and go through terrible amounts of pain and disappointment. We smiled at each other. "Yeah man, we made it!" One cat even called me, his hero. I chuckled at that. Yet he meant every word. I am not someone who can hide or mask his emotion. It comes out of my pores like sweat. So many times people saw me sad, angry, and in pain. Yet, they also saw that I kept my sense of humor. Many of my teachers remember me for a number of things. Hopefully, they also saw the one thing I wanted them to see the most. POTENTIAL. Some of my classmates even asked me if I would return to school to get my doctorate. Clearly, they saw it in me. I just brushed them off saying im just trying to enjoy this. Yet in the back of my mind. It is there. Either way, I feel good. God has blessed this old poor soul. After the graduation, I saw my daughter and father. My daddy looked me in the eye and told me he was proud of me. Every little boy, loves to hear that. That is all every little boy wants to hear from their daddy. I am proud of you son. Yes, I feel alright. I can tell my daughter that all daddy is trying to do is set an example and feel alright for himself. God be praised. I have nothing apart from Him.