How I feel these days

This past year has been bitter sweet.
I was on my feet only to lose my seat.
Made some strides
and mistakes I wish I could hide.
My pride took a dive inside.
Even as a glide
in these city streets,
chunking the deuce
I tasted success and defeat.
When you gain much
sometimes you can lose touch.
With what made you real.
And people love what you do,
but all and still.
You feel empty.
Life is like an old Gerald Levert song,
I would do anything for love
even if means doing wrong.
But the pathway is straight,
so I try to stay straight.
Yet I confess sometimes I hate to wait.
When the rain pours outside,
and there's no one to hug you in the storm.
Sometimes I wish I could change my form.
To be invisible like Claudine's son.
I could just hide and run from,
the pains of being lonely and all it brings.
I been divorced for two years
and I just finally threw away my old wedding ring.
I'd be lying if I told you I still didnt feel the sting.
Yet when the night sky is lit,
you can catch me in the drop top meditating over all of it.
Just glad to be alive,
cause I thought about suicide many days.
When the world gets crazy,
I just think about my baby.
She needs daddy to be strong.
She needs daddy to be around long.
So I just put away the sad songs.
Yet, sometimes I do get down.
These days, hell im just glad to be around.


Richard J Wright (2009)

The Road Less Traveled

Time always puts a child on this road one way or another. Your friends leave you. Your parents leave you. Your spouse leaves you. Your children leave you. Ultimately, at the end of the day, you are always heading toward this reality. Some roads are made to walk alone. There is nothing more to do than accept the reality and embrace the knowledge, wisdom and understanding of it. Sometimes we do not know why we are alone. We may have lots of people around us but we do not know why we are by ourselves or feel that way. Sometimes, like it or not. God wants you to Himself. One way or another, He is going to get His way. Even if it means you traveling on the road less traveled in life.

Mending a broken heart.

When someone breaks your heart, you are many times left to deal with the emotional baggage. You can find yourself busy living the life in front of you and then a thought invades your mind and pummels you to the ground. Though you may have forgiven them, the ability to forget about it is twice as hard.



For myself, I have come to realize that I am in that mode. I cannot explain to anyone how I feel. I get angry and sad all at the same time. How does it feel knowing that the last several years of your life was a lie? How do you feel knowing that the person you share your space with, your secrets and your tears with has decided that they dont want to share time and love with you any longer? I have had people in my life tell me that Im better off. She isnt worth it and that I ought to be glad. Tell that to my heart. Yet it was my heart that she preyed upon.




When I start to think about how will I recover I always try to remember that I did nothing wrong. The mistakes I made were covered because I atoned for them. I did everything I could. I pleaded with her, I cried to God and opened myself up to the point where I was taken advantage of. I always thought that If I did what I could, then I would get back what I lost. Truthfully, I am not so sure. Have someone ever burned a bridge with you standing on it? It is what it is.



Now. I am facing the future without her. I know I can never kiss her again. I know I can never make love to her again. I know I can never be her friend. I know plenty of people who are friends with their ex wives and ex husbands. Yet, I cannot concieve such being the case with us. While I did speak to her recently I realize that in my heart of hearts. There could never be anything remotely similarly to a friendship. She is my enemy. While I know she is basking in the newness of a marriage and all the sweetness that it brings, I know that in the back of her of mind. I shall be there as an after thought. The day will come when she will look back and regret what she did. No lie can stand. Her new life is a mirage. Soon, the curtain will be pulled back and it will all stand naked for her and those around her to see. The seed that she sowed will spring up and its fruits will be bitterly. As for me, it is no consolation. God will mete out his justice in his own time and way. It is what it is.


While time goes by, I am convinced that love will visit my life. I am persuaded that love will touch me again. I will love just as hard and even harder. Yet that is many days from now. I will continue to serve my God at my church. I will continue to pursue my dreams. A friend of mine told me that she will come back to me. Yet, I know that will be not so, for two reasons. One. She knows what she did. Two. She knows what she did again. While I will never say never. I just assume that that miracle will be in God's Hands. God must attend to my wounds and He must restore my faith in love. It will take a lot of time. I dont have time to think about what could have been and I must focus on what will be. This is my only hope for the mending of my broken heart.

The sting of betrayal

There is tale of when Julius Caesar was being murdered that he fought vigorously until the end. Yet, the tale goes that when he turned and saw Brutus that he stopped fighting. Brutus then stabbed him with the fatal strike.


We all know of the story of Jesus betrayal by Judas. For 30 pieces of silver, he betrayed Jesus with a kiss.

Why people betray one another? Its hard to say honestly. Perhaps its greed or vengence.

I have been betrayed. It has been a terrible experience. A woman who I loved for several years relocated to a new town and married a man after only month of being there. While I questioned her the idea of moving to a new town. She insisted that it was not for a man. Yet, here I was being gullible and giving her the benefit of the doubt. A friend of both of us called me out the clear blue and told me. Before she left, she was evicted out of her home. I had love for her, so I allowed her and her kids to stay with me. We slept in the same bed. Made love in the same bed several times and yet she did not have enough love for me to stay and try to work things out. We were divorced but I believed that we could have reconciled. Yet after finding things out on her myspace page, this wedding was being planned right under my nose. People around us assumed that I knew she was getting married. I did not know and you know how that is. You are usually the last one to know. Well, even recently she tried to deny the fact that she was. Yet, why I do not know. Perhaps it was to keep me in her life indirectly. Either way, we are finished and could never be friends again. She used me and didnt even apologize for it. Which is crazy because I do not think the man she was with knew that she was still having sex with me (and trust me it was a lot). Betrayal is a strange brew. How does she sleep at night knowing that all I did was try to help her and be a blessing. Yet she now has a new last name, a new city, and a new set of issues. I confided in someone close to and they said they wish they could be a fly on the wall because she is going to get hers big time. As much as that maybe true, it is not justice for me. Instead i have heal from the wounds inflicted and move on with my life and not allow this unfortunate thing interfere with my next relationship if it is to be. Betrayal is a monster. Some can live with, and I guess she will. In retrospect I feel sorry for her. I hate what she did but what will happen to her because of it is out of my hands. It is what it is.